Imagine that you are a 17 

years old girl  

and you've decided that

instead of spending all that 

energy to killing yourself

that you will use that energy

to live

After having this radical 

thought,

I'd imagine myself

amongst flowers

in a field...

...or...I'd build landscapes in my mind.

And I would imagine how

I'd see myself in nature.

It was important for me to do this.

Because I saw myself

as unnatural.

I wasn't like my sisters and my grandmother.

Or my mother.

Why was I not like them?

Why could I not accept

things as the way they were?

And just move on?

Life would have been so much easier.

I would spend hours crying.

Why could I not fit in?

In a way, through nature

I hoped if I aligned myself with it,

That I could become one with it,

that maybe

I could become natural.

And maybe, like the trees

the sun,

the moon,

No one would question my 

existence.

They would just let me thrive.

I love the idea

that you are constantly 

looking up in hope

but always grounding yourself.

And so,

I'd imagine I am a tree,

My arms would be branches,

my fingers would be the leaves.

Looking for the light.

And hope, whilst I

constantly continue to ground myself

in love

nutrients,

a chosen family

and a dream.

The dream is...

The dream is...

the dream...

is utopian

to my family.

But not to me.

Not to my children.

I realised something.

The undeniable truth 

is that I

am the future founding mother

for my children

and their children's children.

They say trauma is passed on.

And if trauma can be passed 

on,

so can healing.

Future children,

I am sending you healing.